Ode to Potty Training

Every morning when I wake up, regardless if it is by choice or blood curdling scream from a child, I try to immediately think of ONE thing I am thankful for. Somedays it is that I am in good health. Some days it is that Andy has all of his hair. Today it is that I have control of my bladder. Because you know who struggles with it....Clara "NO" Lean.

We have come a LONG way. For crying out loud she has only been on this earth for 2 years and 5 months. She was an expert at exploding excrement from her diaper within the first few weeks of her life, and continued her fame well into her first year. I bought her a potty chair when she was only 13 months old. I was ambitious, I know, but I thought if I introduced it early it would be an easy transition.

The first time we sat her on that potty chair she peed! I was so ridiculous I posted a photo on facebook about it! I was a damn proud mama! My 13 month old is a genius!

False.

The potty chair sat unused for months after the glimmer of peeing on the potty wore off. By 19-20 months, I was really starting to encourage it. At that point I was pregnant with Nora...and I did NOT want to have two kids in diapers.

It is now that I stand on a stage and shout about my amazing Hoover Carpet cleaner. Andy and I did not agree on purchasing one, arguing that perhaps our next home will not have carpet. Well, this home does. And this home has carpet everywhere!!! Carpet in the dining room? Good one, Pinnacle privatized housing. Please, put families with small children in homes with beige carpet everywhere and then charge them a fortune when they move out.
I'm hoping that my Hoover did the trick, and that there will be no visible pee stains. "I wonder if she had a small dog?" No. I had a small Clara. Who straight up peed wherever she wanted. She peed standing on the coffee table. (We don't have to talk about why she was up there, but she was not allowed). She peed while walking up the stairs. She peed on my kitchen floor- which I almost praised because it was tile..but I refrained and continued to encourage peeing in bathrooms.

chocolate face

She progressed well. I began encouraging her with stickers. She got a sticker every time she tried. Well that wore off after about a week. i don't blame her. Once she started getting repeat stickers, the game was over.
So then I did what every mom does and I began giving her "potty candies". M&Ms. She got one every time she tried.
It was like potty mecca in this house. Clara was attempting to pee all the time. Pretty soon she saw where I kept the "potty candies" and the joke was on me when she drug a chair into the kitchen, climbed on the counter and devoured the entire bag.
So we gave up for a while again. Just put the kid in diapers. I was tired and pregnant and I didn't care anymore. Andy encouraged me to give it another go, he took the lead in the potty training endeavours. He'd even go in the bathroom and 'sit' on the toilet while she was on her own little chair.

 But as we know Clara is very observant...

And all of a sudden she would go to the bathroom...and pee would be all over the floor. What the hell is happening, I kept asking. Does she wait until the last minute and lose control the moment she walks through the door? Thankfully its on tile, so that's not such a bad clean up.
It dawned on me. This kid was trying to stand and pee.
"God Bless America, Clara, you have to sit to pee!!" I yelled when I caught her in the man stance peeing act.

My mom arrived a week before Nora was born and just started putting Clara in big girl underwear. I won't lie. I was so tired by that point, I couldn't handle having to worry about pee pants all the time. My mom nailed it with the timing, and we encouraged Big sister clara to wear underwear and to go to the bathroom on her own.

She lost it for a little while- too many people asking her if she needed to go to the bathroom lead to stubborn hard headed Clara holding it. And then it would be too late. Thankfully Reba and Mikey were here to help keep me balanced and help with the pee pants changing.

But the power struggle began the moment all of our company left and it was just us two. Please, allow yourself to imagine a stand off in the old west. Sunrise lighting up the sky, a light breeze blowing dirt and and occcsional tumbleweed past my feet. I grind one bare foot in the ground as I prepare to reach for toilet paper. Clara faces me, but wiggling with a potty dance. "Tell me something Clara...do ya need to go potty?" "NAAAAAAAAAAA OH!"

Clara posted outside the bathroom door

 Did I mention, as soon as all my lovely help went home..Andy went out into the field for several days and nights. Literally the next day. I was still recovering from my c section and was not supposed to lift anything heavier than Nora. (Clara weighs over 30 lbs, just FYI). So when Clara yells, NO, about anything...I was sort of powerless, as I could not afford giving myself a hernia while trying to drag a stubborn 2 year old to the bathroom.

 Get this. Clara would do amazing at pre school. She would go to the bathroom on her own. But she would come home and pee her pants within 15 minutes. I would ask her several times...and each time her "no" would get nastier and nastier.

This is what I felt like.

Shit hit the fan ( not literally, this is a pee blog posting thank GOD) when she peed in my new BOB stroller two days in a row. Heidi, you terrible Mom, kids have accidents all the time. Look me in the face and say that. And then go scrub my expensive stroller out, for the second time, because Clara 'accidently' yelled "NO" when I asked her if she had to go to the bathroom for the past 10 minutes. The first time she peed on the stroller, I kept my cool and explained she cannot pee on my stroller. The second day was not so smooth. She went to her room, she got in big trouble, she was forced into a nap. She saw me cry from exhaustion and frustration. She saw me get so mad I talked to myself under my breath about how this stuff always happens when Andy is gone.She saw me hysterically laugh at my situation and then cry again because all I wanted was to sleep more than 2 hours and not wash piss clothes.


I honestly believe my child is smart enough to think "woah, mom is about to lose it. I better get it together".

And she did. Clara has only had accidents if her nap went an amazing long time.

She has had one accident at school, and with this closing story I dedicate this entire post to my friend Samantha Newcombe-Luther. This amazing woman and her husband packed up their lives, sold their home, and moved to Thailand. She works as a preschool teacher in Bangkok and she is ALWAYS posting hilarious stories about the children in her class.

Clara's pre-toddler program is awesome. They allow you to send your child while they are potty training. They ask that you send spare clothes if they are coming in underwear. I'm not sure if Sam's is the same way...she made it seem like the kids in her class ARE potty trained. Thus, when they have an accident you wonder if they did it on purpose. Some might laugh at such a statement. I fully believe her. Clara is a prime example of a kid who will pee her pants out of spite.

Anyhow- I go to pick Clara up from school and there is a plastic bag hanging in her cubby. I see her shirt, her skirt, her cinderella underwear, her socks, AND her tennis shoes are in there. I think to myself, oh man, she must have mucked herself out during arts and crafts time.
Nope.
Clara power peed her pants with enough force to blow through all of her clothing layers, down her legs, and fill her pink tennis shoes. Some how the hem of her shirt got hit as well. I cannot begin to imagine the position of her body, or what she was thinking when she just gave it her all.

Here is the kicker. Her teacher was not even phased. She explained it nonchalantly...oh, her shoes were filled with pee, so we will send her home in the loaner purple star shoes.
 I'm sorry, WHat?! I've never seen that before!

 It was at that exact moment, standing in classroom 125, that I thoguht to myself, "Dear Lord, what kind of stuff does this woman see every day?" And so my dear Sam, my hat is off to you. I can handle cleaning up my own child's pee. I have to do it all the time...and since I created and grew this beast, her body functions don't gross me out so bad. ..but some one else's snot nosed kid?
 No. Way.