Lately I have been exhausted. This is never good for my mental state, I am not one of those wonder moms who can keep it together while running on fumes for more than 2 days at a time. I had reached about day 8 of lack of sleep until Nora suddenly got the hint and slept all night. I woke up in a panic twice, rushing to make sure she was alive. After the surge of adrenaline I fell straight to sleep.
not.
Good trick little baby.
I'll remember that in 15 years. Clara already has the "wait until the middle of the night, sneak into her room, and scream at the top of my lungs, only to turn around and walk back to my room" coming for her in that time frame.
I have been kind of tired where you just want to stare off into space until the repeated "mommy mom mom moooommmy" fades away into the ringing in your ears, which is also over powering the crying of a gassy infant.
Why did I eat that one brussel sprout? Poor baby is doubled over in pain. I envy the mother who has a pristine milk filtration system. I don't know if they make those...but I do know that We could put spicy buffalo sauce on anything when Nora was in utero and that baby loved it...but you sneak one slice of green bell pepper into my meal and we are done for.
During this spell of sleeplessness, I have felt like a prisoner in my home- especially while we have the 'extreme' heat warning. We cannot go outside without melting away, so I have caught myself feeling envious of those who leave their home every day. I am envious of Andy. I am envious of my neighbor who I see walk out the door every morning. But I catch myself, and I am ashamed.
I have countless friends who I know wish they could stay home with their children and not go to work. I bet some of you are reading this right now. That whole "first world problems" hashtag that is so popular( #firstworldproblems) ? I feel like I am the picture they should all link to.
It is hard not to wish and be envious of those on wild adventures, or those who are happy with their jobs and their routine. Regardless of how many siblings you grew up with, It feels like I had 29, or babysitting jobs or even teaching jobs you held before swan diving into parenthood...No one is ready for this shit.
I'm not talking about the diapers and the feeding and all of the materialistic images we grew up associating with children...I'm talking about the raw wear and tear on you most inner self.
I see Clara watching me, processing my every move. She is watching my facial expression and my body language. I am so frustrated in my behavior when I catch myself being short with her. She's just trying to tell me every single part of Madagascar 3 for the 37th time, and in all honesty I should be overjoyed that she wants to tell me about it. I really do believe I should! I have caught her saying "oh Gooooooosh" whenever anything goes wrong, in the same tone of voice I use when something red spills on the carpet.
She is a handful and pushes me to my limits every day, but she is so full of love that again, how can I be envious of people who have to leave their homes everyday?
I guess that makes me a #firstworldproblem hypocrite. I am envious of all of you because I cannot help it. Yes. Here I sit, blogging about being envious of others, while I am able to comfortably stay at home and take care of our children. I feel ungrateful even posting this, but my feelings are true feelings, and I will admit them. I know Andy appreciates that I stay home, from a monotary standpoint and from a respectful standpoint. We are well taken care of with Andy's military career and that should be enough.
But unfortunately, I am human. A middle class, American human and I always want more, and I want it fast. Do I fit the stereotype? I would be lying to myself if I could not see it. Therefore, I am constantly conflicted in my thoughts. In my envious state.
BUT!
I know if I was
removed from this environment I would ache to have it back. Every last blood curdling "NO" and every single silly giggle. 
